I have a nice cigarette buzz going and I figured I would blog since I haven’t in a while. I haven’t smoked in 2 days. Today being the third day as of 1:16 am. At least I am smoking less. It makes me feel a little like SJP from Sex and the City…smoking and blogging at the same time.
I feel a little lonely today. Scott has been taking a break from Troy. They had a little fight and I can’t tell if he’s taking a break or if he really is done with Troy. I secretly thought…..yay! I’ll have more time with my bf. But it hasn’t been that way and now that Scott’s brother is in the hospital and will have a pic line for the next few months that will need to be changed out…I don’t see that happening any time soon. I have to keep telling myself to live my own life. That I am not a “we” yet. It’s hard though. I don’t have a life. I don’t have money and I don’t have any friends besides him, Troy, and Patricia. It’s hard to make people come into your life when you don’t want anything but friendship. I haven’t made a new decent friend since moving to Greenville and it’s been over a year at this point. I try to hang out with Jeremy but he just bugs the crap out of me and the friends I do have I’m afraid I will cheat on Scott. I need to be more independent. Which is also difficult for someone like me. Someone who depends so easily and so heavily on people for support. But I feel like that is the right thing to do. I can tell because it is out of my comfort zone. Scott has all these friends and things to do and I just feel like I have nothing. Which I know isn’t true. I just want to spend all my time with him and I know that’s not healthy……sorry wine wine wine.
I’ve been trying to document my times with Troy. I know he doesn’t have much time left. And I feel bad that neither me or Scott have gone to see him because I know he is a lonely person. A lonely angry person. But then again maybe he is doing just fine without us, I have no idea.
Patricia and I have gotten along pretty well still even though I have been without any decent cash and I am on the verge of having to go back to the office. It sucks if it does happen so I’ve been looking going to Verizon but I still have to apply so we will see.
Monday I go to talk to my doctor about my concentration problems. I can barely concentrate at times. I have no energy. I took an Adderall today which is something I do on occasion and of course it’s like magic. I can concentrate.. I have energy. So I guess we’ll see.
Here’s what I have so far for “City of Troy”
My boyfriend mentioned Troy a few times, probably for weeks before I ever met him. he would often leave me to go hang out with this guy and at first I thought maybe he was someone Scott had a crush on and it definitely gave me a twinge of jealousy before I knew Troy myself. And hell, even after I knew Troy I still was jealous of the time that Scott would spend with him.
Scott told me that the guy had cancer but during lunch with a friend of mine who knew troy. My friend disclosed that Troy had a lot more wrong than cancer. That he had full blown aids.
I had a dream one night. I had gone to Dollywood that day with my sister and we had come back very late. Scott had wanted me to spend the night at his house but I didn’t arrive until after 3am. We went to bed immediately because we were both tired. I was having a difficult time because I had forgotten to take my meds that day for depression and anxiety. That night I had several rapid dreams. They caught me up in an electrical storm and shocked my brain.
I dreamt I was in another plane of existence. Not quite heaven but close. I dreamt of two people who knew more than me that could see from an area that I could not see from. I remember asking about God here.
The boy who was young and looking my age answered, “ It’s just like where you are. It’s just that God doesn’t exist. He’s everywhere. But help only comes from the other side.”
The young girl turned to me and said, “Scott needs your help.”
And just as quickly as I was in the bubble of another existence. I was spit out. When I woke up, I woke up in a panic. I thought maybe Scott had died in his sleep I couldn’t hear him breathing and I checked to make sure that he was still alive. The walls were spinning. I could not tell if I was still dreaming or awake and I couldn’t quite remember where I was. I had to get out of bed. I sat on the floor and just sat there for a minute. Thinking over and over what these people had said to me. That Help comes from the inside and that God exists and that he is everywhere. And that I need to help Scott in any way that I can. I sat there watching the room spin and crawl over itself like I had taken some type of drug and was tripping but I had taken nothing and never desired to take any such type of drug. I went to the bathroom and immediately I lost myself in dejavu. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had seen this bathroom before in a dream. It had a blue toilet and a blue tub. I had never seen one in my life except in a dream of mine.
I couldn’t stop thinking about all this. I tried to explain to Scott the impact this dream left on me but how does one explain emotion and spiritual experiences. I don’t know that it’s possible. I left Scott’s house in a daze. I didn’t know how to process this message. It left me curious and spellbound. It had been so long since such emotion and power rapt me up in a experience that wasn’t actually real but in reality was in my head.
That week Scott and Troy had their fortunes read on the radio. I remember going over to Troy’s and listening to the tape of the radio show.
I told you last time that I had that dream. Well, soon after he had his fortune told and this person told him that he was getting a lot of healing energy, and that he had two angels. My mom and my uncle have always told me I have the power to heal people. So, this kind of made me think. And I also discovered that I am an empath. I feel people’s emotions. I feel the emotions of others and the emotions of things that once were. Scott says often that it is projection.
I don’t know if this was the first or second time I had come over but it was definitely in the beginging stages. I was in awe of Troy. He cleaned his room. He made me coffee and tea. He offered me drinks and food and offered to cook for me like a true southern host. He didn’t look sick. I expected to see someone completely bed ridden. But he looked good…cute even, although he wasn’t my type. He was blonde and skinny with blue eyes. And an angular tough face with such a curiosity for me. I ate it up with a spoon. He seemed to really enjoy my company. He paid attention when I talked. We seemed to really hit it off right away. And I remember saying as I was leaving, “I really like that Troy boy.” I didn’t understand Scott’s attachment to him. But I was glad that Scott had the heart to attach to someone who needed it.
Scott and I met at a party. There was nothing spectacular about the meeting. I thought he was cool. He was my age and seemed to talk about things I was interested in and was so hilarious. I never once thought about dating him. I remember leaving and him looking into my eyes and for an instant I saw inside of him and it really made me attracted to him but not necessarily in a sexual way. More of a curiosity. We continued to talk and we seemed to understand eachother. He had been through some of the things I had with depression and anxiety and quiting or just trying to make it through life. From the moment we met we just laughed. We just laughed all night. It was wonderful. It was bliss and love. I have never laughed so hard. I didn’t know what we were doing but I loved every second of it.
Troy could tell that I was enamoured with scott and suggested to scott and I’m sure helped scott process his feelings for me. I was thankful for that. Troy seemed to have a knack for telling people how it is and seeing the truth and displaying it for people to see. But of course, with all people, this is his truth.
Yesterday and today have been somewhat stressful. I couldn’t remember if I took my medicine yesterday. I was stressed out all day and maybe it’s the advent of additional pills in my life, but I couldn’t relax. I kept worrying about Scott and Troy. I hadn’t heard from Scott all day which is not really like him. On my lunch break, I took a nap which is something I never do and haven’t done because if I had missed logging into work it would have been bad. But I heard this Jamaican voice calling my name…MIKEY! And I woke up immediately in a panic. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. I had to talk myself out of a panic attack.
About that time, Scott texted me saying that Troy had fallen twice. Once down a flight of 13 stairs. The doctors also came back to tell Troy that he only had about 3 months to live and that things would get progressivly worse and to prepare for this. Scott was upset and I could feel it. I was upset too. In the little time that I have gotten to know Troy, I have fallen in love with his spirit. He is so funny and smart and has such an appreciation and eye for art.
About the time I got off around 11pm, Scott came over and almost 30 minutes later, Troy calls saying that his foot has swelled and that he thinks he broke it. So me and Scott go to Traveler’s Rest to pick him up and go to the hospital. I tried to keep Troy calm and relaxed and tried to keep him laughing to distract him but he just needed to cry for a moment and share his pain. He started talking about how the doctors told him he only has 3 months and he thought he would have more time and he can tell that the cancer is spreading and he can feel it. I just held him while he cried and told him it would be ok. Even though I knew that it wouldn’t “be ok” and it’s not “ok.”
Troy always warns us about the police in TR. He says that they are out to get you and will take any excuse to pull you over. And he was right. On the way into the hospital we get pulled over. So here we are in the emergency entrance, smelling like pot, with a terminally ill guy needing to get out of the car and into the hospital. Thank God, the cop let me and Troy get out of the car. We went inside and Scott stayed outside. The police officers asked him so many questions and I could see them through the glass window from inside talking and going through the truck and studying everything about it. I got so worried because he had said that his license might be suspended. Maybe 30 minutes later he asked me to come outside and give my license to the officer because his was suspended. I was worried they were going to take him to jail. One of the officers asked me about Troy and asked what was wrong with him and I told him he had cancer and that he was not ok. He understood and I really think it was because of that the officer let us go because I was pretty sure my license was suspended too but they didn’t say anything and I was allowed to park the car out of the emergency zone. We stayed in the hospital til Tyrone, Troy’s bf, got there.
The next day I was so stressed out, I couldn’t relax. I took 3 Abilify. I felt terrible. So I took the day off and spent time just relaxing and then spent the rest of the day with Scott and Troy.
Today I woke up feeling awful. I feel better now but I felt so depressed earlier. I had to talk myself out of bed. I had to talk myself into a good mood. Scott was feeling the same and he got off work early and came by to crash for a little while. I just love him so much but sometimes I worry that we spend too much time together. Of course I worry about everything.
Me and Scott went over to Troy’s house and visited with him. When we had gotten there, there was a car we didn’t recognize. A hospice nurse was there to hook him up to IVs which is why we were coming by so that he could feel better later and so we could go to the Apple store. The nurse had basically told him that his liver is failing. The Cancer and HIV a constant reminder of the reason for the IVs and endless meds and limited capacities and copious inconveniences. Troy was so upset. He cried. And Troy, you sometimes get the feeling that he doesn’t want to be touched, he doesn’t want to be pitied. He just wants you to listen. So me and Scott just stood there in the kitchen watching him fall apart for a few minutes. He’s more than allowed. But as soon as it happened, it was over and Troy was back to making us lunch.
Today on the menu? Cocktail wienies fried in beer, hot sauce, and vinegar and honey barbecue wings with extra honey so that they actually had that kind of baked on taste that you find in a Chinese restaurant. We talked for a while, like we always do. I wrote. We smoked pot. We talked about my friend’s art and the piece he did for me and the artist’s statement that we wrote together. I talked about how nervous I was for my first poetry reading that was planning to do later. Of course, the IVs didn’t drip fast enough. They tend to slow down when you are moving around and standing up. Both of which, Troy does a lot of. And Troy has to take so much with him when he goes places. He said it very often makes him late or anxious about being late because there is so much to prepare for when he goes any place. He had to make sure he had all his meds. He needed drinks and dressings and pot to medicate him. He drove us on the way there, simultaneously driving while packing a bowl, sometimes flowing into the lane beside him or going slightly off the road and going a little faster than the speed limit. So we hit the bowl, leaving about 5 minutes before the actual appt for the Apple store to fix a problem with Troy’s computer which shuts down incorrectly and causes problems with his screen, meanwhile avoiding traffic and trying to get Apple on the phone to tell them we are going to be late. They understood, and were flexible. Once we got there, we walked around, we shopped, we joked about the cute gay boys we saw. One in particular, waited on us and had the blackest tallest, most supple eye lashes, and a full beard. He was a black Irish god.
We went back to the house to prepare again. I needed my poems for the reading and it seemed everyone else needed something also. Scott wanted to change, and Troy more than likely wanted to repack his bags to make sure that he had what he needed if he needed it. Always prepared.
The audience was smaller than I had seen it in the past but I was happy because the room for it is a small chapel like room with pulpit and pews and windows behind the stage. We listened to the poems and I couldn’t help but think for the most part,”My poems are better than this, more complicated than this.” I was so nervous. As the poetry went on and on and I could tell Troy was getting nervous about how long we were staying here. Finally, Moody nodded to me to go. I was so nervous I thought I was going to choke or run out of the room screaming, but instead, I used that energy to read and I really got into it because it was easy with all the energy in the room. I couldn’t believe it, I read them with such passion that I didn’t even know was inside me. It was wonderful. It was a relief. It was like carrying a boulder and passing it on to where ever these things go. We had to leave almost immediately after because Troy had stayed too long and wasn’t feeling well. It actually went well with my poems and I didn’t care if it was rude. We had a good excuse even if no one knew it.
So we went on our way, Scott and I came back to my house. He’s such a good guy. He’s always doing things for me. He’ll wash my clothes and make my bed, and get me anything I ask of him. I try to limit this of course. The boy wears himself out all too easily. But that’s why I am here. To make sure that doesn’t happen. To give him some of my energy because right now I have some to spare. And I love the guy. I really do. And that’s a very powerful thing.
Both Scott and Troy were really supportive of my poetry and that really meant the world to me.
Me and scott went to this renaissance fair. It was nice and open and warm and the people there were themselves. It was nice to be around people who accepted one another. This was at the Unitarian church. There were some oils there and I saw St. Michaels oil and the lady there said it was for protection. I thought that would be a good thing for Troy and I also bought some sage because I remember him telling me his house is haunted and just in gerenal his house gave me the willies so I wanted to help him clean it up a little spiritually. That’s what sage is supposed to do. Clean out all the bad energy in a home.
It was funny because the day I brought it over I went during the day. I wasn’t feeling good so I took the day off or more accurately I played hooky from work. He had had a Reiki session just a an hour before and the lady told him that he needed oils and sage. And here I show up an hour later with Rose oil and sage. I was surprised and awed by the coincidence. It made us both very happy to see such a thing.
He got really into oils after that. And sage. We went to Earth fare one night and he spent almost 300$ in oils and sprays and containers and everything you could imagine to disperse oil.
I remember our trips to Wal-Mart. Troy didn’t get out of the house much. There’s so much involved in getting out and getting going and being so hard for him to get around, trips to wal-mart were about the only trips he made out of the house. He would get his cart and ride around and we would follow behind him. He always had a complaint about the carts. He was always concerned that people who didn’t need them were using them and that he couldn’t when he needed one. Because although he could get around. He was easily tired out.
I remember this one story he told about this obese woman. She rode around the store and then left the cart and didn’t have the girl she was with take it back. He had to do without a cart since they were all taken and he was mad that this girl was taking his chair and not taking it back.
Another time this cashier gave him hell saying that she saw him getting around just fine and didn’t think she should be using it.
Another time he needed to buy beer for his dad and couldn’t because I didn’t have my liscense with me and he pitched a fit.
“I’m 26 years old. Why can’t I buy beer.”
“well right now you’re acting like a 2 year old.”
“who do you think you are.”
“I’m renee and I’m the manager.”
“Your mom must be so proud.”
He of course complained to the store manager.
Every day he had a new character.
During this time I have several dreams where I think I am Troy. He’s only 26 and reminds me of different friends of mine so in a way I feel like I already knew him. I would have dreams where I would make fun of scott and joke around like Troy.
“scott I peed in the bed.”
“no you didn’t.”
“ I did I can smell it.”
“trust me you didn’t.”
“But I can smell it.”
The next day, Troy told me that he peed himself twice that day and that he peed the bed. I told him about my dream and told him not to worry about it.
“I am worried about it.”
“I think that’s normal.” This upset him.
“this is not normal. I am 26, I should not have to worry about being on my bed.”
“I know. That’s what I meant. I meant that it’s normal not to want to pee on yourself. Nobody wants to do that. Well…..most people don’t.”
We both chuckled. I try to always make him laugh.
My first experience dealing with Troy on a favor basis was one Saturday that Scott was at work. Troy’s mom once said. I went to go get Troy some gelcap tylonal and Troy’s the type of person that you better come back with exactly what he asks for and here I am with a call placed on gelcaps and in Wal-mart having a panic attack because they don’t have what he wants.
It was a simple task. Go to his house and pick up a few things and by a few things I mean a very specific list of clothes and food and miscellaneous things. Troy was falling asleep and wanted to write the list himself even though I offered to do it for him several times. He kept writing but it came out jibberish and every other minute we would have to start over because he couldn’t remember what I said or wrote down or even what he said or wrote and he definitely could not read what he wrote. Because Troy is so determined to do things his way and to do them and be in charge. Making this list took 3 hours. And when the list was made I had ended up making it because we could not read what he wrote.
He had very specific instructions for me to call him once I got there and for me to call him so that he could walk me through everything. I was not about to call him as it took 3 hours to write this list and he told me just about where everything is so I didn’t call him until I noticed that he had called me and when I could not find things that were on the list or was not sure what or where something was.
It wasn’t until I veered off the list that he became frustrated. I said that he had things which he was sure that he did not have and we were both getting frustrated. So I came back. This whole thing took about a total of 5 hours. And my nerves were shot completely. The whole next day I slept in. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted.
“I don’t even remember hearing about you or Scott until recently and all of a sudden you guys are his best friends. He can’t keep people around. 3 months ago, I had never heard of you guys and in 3 months it’ll be someone else.” His mom
Mikey, I met the cutest guy. He is so yummy.
I was down in MRI and I was braggin about my ribs being in the room and all I heard was this guy say. “yeah, but I still gotta jack my dick.” The guy wrote down his number on a piece of carboard and told me to come see him. I think it might be good to talk to someone that is going through the same things I am.
“yeah I think that would be good for you. You know all of us. We don’t know. Maybe it would be good for you to meet someone in similar situation.”
“And maybe it’s good to appreciate what I’ve got. I can still walk. This kid doesn’t have any legs.”
So we went down to the kids room. It was difficult to find as I get lost any place I can and since Troy can’t really follow signs or numbers well. It was like the blind leading the blind and occasionally he would get upset and frustrated. We found the room and there in bed in the dark was the most gorgeous mixed man. He was so pretty and muscular and he had a voice like thick rich dark honey. I couldn’t believe it. Troy had spotted one of the most delicious men in the hospital and had friended him.
Troy introduced himself to the boy’s grandpa and mother and offered to buy the boy dinner.
I thought, I’d never have the balls to do something like this.
Troy seems to have drama all around him and the more I visit with him lately, the more of a black cloud I see over him. He is miserable both physically and mentally. He throws his IV poll around. He yells and complains about having a no vision and having had a stroke which we all know by now but maybe it hasn’t sunk in with him or maybe it’s because of the stroke itself. He constantly reminds us and everyone of these things. He talks about his life and all the things going on.
He says he’s been paying rent on a mortgage that doesn’t exist. His step mom has been pocketing the money that he has been giving her for the mortgage. His dad has Alzheimer’s.
One of the last times I was there with him. It was me, Scott, Troy’s mom, and his friend Tony. All I kept thinking was that a birth and death are similar in that they create crowds. And I felt crowded.