I have to start pouring some of these thoughts out of my head before I go insane. Already, I feel a sense of relief just starting to flow throughout my body, giving me goosebumps. So much has happened in the last years since I have written in this blog. Destruction and resurrection. Love and love lost.

Again, It is in the changing of the seasons that I find myself soon to be adrift. The cycles that tend to follow me and I suppose those that follow and crash into everyone else. I don’t know why I say myself so quickly but it is the local view that I have. That my skin is somehow more susceptible to change.

Scott has found his way back to Florida with his family. At times I miss him. I miss him so generously. And yet I am still glad that he is gone. It could not be.

I have quit smoking. And after months of going off my medication, I have started back on it. If at any time I felt bipolar, surely I feel that way now. During the day I am mostly fine. I go home and I exercise. I feel good and I turn my wheel and then as I lay trying to sleep. What vicious thoughts come. Failure, the sense that I am small and unworthy. These thoughts seep into my dreams like oil into the ground. And I wake up, not refreshed, but hating myself and the world. Some days are more powerful than others.

Only recently have I been able to battle these thoughts. A friend of mine calls them demons. And whether they are literal demons or not I guess it makes no difference. They are one and the same. There have been many reliefs. I crave cigarettes but I ignore them. I am trying to eat better with vegetables and plenty of water, vitamins, exercise, medication, and finally my spirit. I have been listening to a gentleman named Alan Watts.

My skin again feels alive simply at the thought of his teachings. I do not quite agree with everything and in a way I feel like my disagreement is perhaps, ignorance.

My thoughts on THE SOUP:

The Soup is what I refer to as the other me. It is the godly me. It’s where I came from and where I will return when I die. It is where I go when I sleep….the sleep without dreams. The darkness that comes when I close my eyes. Much like reality, dreams are created from the soup and my memories. Basically, it is everything, It is also nothing. The whole of duality, reality, and whatever there is and isn’t. When I think about Alan Watt’s teachings this is how I envision it. It’s like the ocean or space. I take comfort that everything and everyone comes from The Soup. And you can drink from it.

I have considered that sin, is when the body is craving God. But reaches in the other direction. It is the only way I can define what is sin and what is not sin. It is, like all things, personal and subjective.

The thing that I have struggled with in Buddhism, is the concept that I am God. I don’t believe that I am God. I believe that God is part of me and that I am part of God, but I do not belief that there is an equal sign there. If I was God, I would change things, I would have ultimate power or be able to control things in some manner which I currently and never have been able. Instead I do see how perceiving can be a way of creation. Creating and perceiving at the same time is an interesting concept. And it’s something I consider in anything creative I do. But I suppose in either there is not much control over what is being created. Which seems kind of off.

If I am God and everyone else is God, then isn’t it just a problem of scale? If we are all God or all human what does it matter except for that sense of scale?

The practice does give me comfort. It allows me to open my eyes and see beauty in a way that I have been unable to for the past few months. My love having been separated from me. All my love is empty, needing to be replenished. For months and still now I have struggled with hatred, spite, and anger. I find myself able to release feelings. A way to detach myself from them. It allows my negative thoughts to dissolve. And it is here, that I find peace.


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